The notorious jokes on the theme “love lives for three years” are popular for a reason. It should be admitted that after years, the relationship in a couple changes, former passions subside, everyday life, personal problems come to the fore, conflicts often occur, and sex life slowly fades into decline.
Maybe at first this is not very noticeable behind the pressing matters, but when you suddenly suddenly realize that there has been no sex for six months, there is a serious reason to think. We asked experts to explain why this is happening and how to get libido back in place.
What is sexuality and can it disappear?
Psychologist-sexologist Anna Moroz says that people are sexual beings from birth. Sexuality is a natural human property, how to breathe, it cannot disappear, it is a built-in option, but it changes throughout life along with the development of the entire personality as a whole.
— The concept of sexuality includes many elements: temperament, how much you like yourself and whether you like to touch yourself, are you open to the touch of loved ones, do you know yourself and your body well, your desires, do you consider yourself attractive, and cultural norms and constraints of the community in which you live. Adolescence is a period of hormonal activity. Increased excitability and minimal stimulation is sufficient.
Maturity is characterized by multitasking, responsibility. And energy is needed not only for sex. And libido (aka sexual energy, energy of life) we have one for everything. Therefore, you have to choose what to direct it to in the first place. In addition, the stimuli that were aroused in adolescence due to novelty and hormonal surge no longer work. Adults are more selective in their sexuality. And I will clarify: they are psychologically adults. Sex and sexuality go hand in hand, but they are not synonymous. Sex is sexual behavior, intimate relationships. You cannot separate sex from sexuality. Sexual constitution is temperament, and this is an innate value.
There are strong, medium and weak sex constitutions. Hormonal activity decreases with age, but at the same time in a person with a strong sexual constitution, the desire will be higher at any age than in a person with an average constitution, the specialist explains.
Why does sex drive disappear?
Psychologist-sexologist Polina Gerasimova identified several reasons due to which the couple’s sexual attraction to each other decreases:
disorders associated with the somatic health of one of the partners (vascular, hormonal, neurological, mental difficulties and diseases);
psychogenic disorders that have arisen in one of the partners, resulting from traumatic emotional experiences;
imaginary sexual dysfunctions, when it seems to us that we have some problems in the sexual sphere and these thoughts and experiences take hold of a person so much that they can lead to a decrease in desire and other difficulties;
marital disharmony: when the sexual preferences of partners do not coincide, dissatisfaction with sexual relations appears, misunderstandings, tension in relationships, conflicts begin to arise and, as a result, a decrease in attraction;
a low level of sexual culture in both or one of the partners (sexual culture is understood as a set of norms, values, attitudes in the field of sexual relations, as well as the corresponding patterns of sexual behavior). This point is of particular interest because it includes knowledge about one’s own sexuality and that of a partner, the range of acceptability of sexual techniques, and the level of sexual education in general, and the ability to maintain and develop sexual relations and the erotic space of relationships, and much more. If you do not take care of this, then sex becomes an unattractive routine, which also leads to a decrease in attraction;
difficulties in relationships between partners, misunderstandings, neglect, lack of emotional closeness also have a serious impact on the degree of attraction;
high stress levels, chronic fatigue, and low levels of concern for your mental and physical health can also lead to decreased desire.
How to fix the situation? Where to begin?
Psychologist-sexologist Polina Gerasimova says that it is important to start solving the problem by talking, to build phrases using “I-statements”, focusing on your feelings and feelings.
— Be sure to support your partner and express your feelings about this conversation (which is very difficult and anxious for you to talk about it), talk about your feelings, and not about what the partner is doing, voice wishes and requests, emphasizing their importance for you, and not on the shortcomings or flaws of the partner. Remember that sex is a couples act and here you are allies trying to improve what is important to both of you together. If it’s difficult to get started, then again you can see a specialist who can help you deal with anxiety and anxiety before speaking, which will help you find the words. After all, no one, except you, knows the peculiarities of your communication and the “code” words and expressions to which your partner reacts in one way or another, ”the expert says.
Is it possible to save a relationship in which there is no more sex?
— It cannot be that everything was good and suddenly it suddenly became bad. Something changed in the relationship of two people over time, but the situation was allowed to take its course and preferred not to see discord. Can a relationship be saved? I will put the question in a different way: in the form in which the relationship came to the point of «everything is bad, you can’t go on like this,» they ended. There is a choice: to part or build a relationship with the same person, but all over again, — says psychologist-sexologist Anna Moroz.
The expert defines relationships as many factors that connect people: common interests, everyday life, friendly communication, working, creative partnership.
— Everything about different forms of relationships. And love has nothing to do with sex. Do you love your friend, but do not have sex with him? It is the same in a marital relationship: you can love your spouse, but you don’t want to have sex with him, it happens. How comfortable you are in this relationship is a personal choice. As a psychologist, I will say: a person can remain in a monogamous relationship for as long as he wants if he made a conscious choice of a partner. Initially, there was a bodily attraction, a community of interests, it was comfortable to live, eat, sleep together, and to keep it — the whole way. Relationships will not build and preserve themselves — this is a desire and joint investment. Often people take the end of romantic love for the end of love, this is not the case. Love begins when falling in love ends, but love may not start, and if you expect that you will want your partner as you did at the beginning of your acquaintance, this is just immaturity, says the specialist.
The psychologist also notes that the degree of satisfaction with sex in a couple is about intimacy and trust. If trust is undermined, then sex drive is also decreasing. If you don’t learn to trust, then all relationships with other people will end in disappointment, and not in the value of what was between you.
