It is generally accepted that it is difficult for a woman with a child to find a mate. We have already discussed this many times in the company of our readers and experts, by the way, the opinions of men and women on this issue were divided.
They also collected happy stories of how mothers with children found love after difficult divorces. But let’s look at the situation from the other side — is it easier to build a new relationship for a dad who has a child from his first marriage and an ex-wife to boot? And how many women agree to bring up their husband’s child as their own and share attention and other benefits with his previous family?
We have collected the stories of our readers who have experience of relationships with men with children, and asked experts to comment on their problems.
A man must remain a full-fledged parent after a divorce. But our today’s text is about his next relationship and the problems in them
Have you heard the expression that newly divorced men are the best candidates for husbands? There is logic in this: the man is tested for family life and clearly understands what he is going to. Someone has already chosen it before you, which also gives charm to a new acquaintance. But jokes aside. Some are really lucky, and someone’s ex-husband becomes their current easily and without problems, then in this huge family system no one feels uncomfortable. But most often women are faced with the past of a boyfriend, who is actively knocking on the front door and does not consider himself the past at all, and with it — and with a number of problems. Adding fuel to the fire is the fact that every 8th divorced man returns to his ex-wife.
«He has children, and no more»: Katya’s story
— We have known Andrei since school, in adolescence there was a short children’s relationship, someone was offended by someone, and everything came to naught. It took 10-11 years, we accidentally added on Facebook and started talking, then he offered to meet. Even then I realized that I was deeply in love. We have been dating for 1.5 years, I am 30 years old, I have no children and I have never been married, but I would like to. The fact of marriage is important to me, but I have not decided about the children. Andrey was married, he has a daughter Alisa from his first marriage — she is 8 years old. He helps the family, bought an apartment, his wife did not file for alimony, he just voluntarily supports his daughter, I think, more than half. Relations with his wife are normal — he can do something about the house, take the car to the service. We have no relationship with her, we are friendly with the child, but I do not seek to spend time with her,
— He says that he no longer wants to marry and children, that he will not pull either material or moral responsibility for two, but he loves me very much and I am his ideal woman. He argues his reluctance by the fact that his relationship with his ex-wife was good before the registration of marriage and childbirth, and then hell began, but at the same time he does not like a soul in his daughter and for her he is an excellent father. And I don’t know if I’m ready to give up the opportunity to become a mother for the sake of a relationship with a man and is it worth it? Or will I always be on the sidelines in this union?
Expert opinion
— In this situation, there are complaints that much attention is paid to the first family and the first child. As if the question arises, does it even make sense for a woman in such circumstances to think about her own child? This can only be understood in an honest conversation with a partner. In Katya, it is as if there is indecision — «do I want to be able to give birth and raise my own child.» I would start with the idea of my own identity, who I want to be, what I want to be, — advises psychotherapist Igor Lyakh
Experts have denied the idea that a newly divorced man is an excellent marriage partner.
— A typical newly divorced man resembles a man who has escaped to freedom. Having just freed himself from a series of control and accountability, he does not seek to immerse himself in a new relationship. Obligations during this period are useless for him, — says sexologist Olga Perova.
Another common misconception is that if a man criticizes and scolds his ex, it means he has fallen out of love. Rather, the opposite is true.
“The accusations against the ex may indicate that he misses her madly,” warns psychologist, psychotherapist Natalya Tolstaya. — To think that since he scolds his wife, it means that he loves you very much is at least a delusion.
«Max will live with us.» Angelina’s story
“I knew right away that my husband had a child from his first marriage and that I would have to live with it. A mother is also attached to it, which, of course, creates additional inconveniences. She can call or write, then her husband talks to her, it doesn’t matter if he was busy at that moment and what, «suddenly something with Max.» While he was a baby, my husband and I walked with him at the zoo as much as possible, gave gifts and took him away for a few days for the holidays, everything suited me.
— A second-grader, absolutely not independent, after him you need to check the lessons, cook for him, iron his clothes. I have a good attitude towards the boy, I have quite warm feelings for him, but I can’t call my own. Recently we had a common child, he is only 2 years old. The eldest will drag the whole infection out of school, and in general I did not plan to have 2 children, one of whom would perceive me as Aunt Elya.
— But my husband is happy and, of course, did not say no to him. It spoils my life; when Max finally leaves for my mother on Saturday, I am resting mentally and physically. In the spring, we were supposed to go on a long-awaited vacation, three of us, but now the husband’s son from his first marriage is traveling with us, which was not included in the financial plans, and because of this, we will have to give up a lot. How to behave in such a situation? Do I have the right to insist that the child live with his mother? I am afraid of ruining my relationship with my husband if he sees my hostility towards the boy, but I can’t stand it either.
Expert opinion
According to the experience of the psychotherapist Igor Lyakh, some people (usually men) are able to form wonderful relationships with the children of spouses from their first marriages. In women, this phenomenon is also observed, but it seems to be quite rare. Although there are no special studies on this topic, the specialist emphasizes.
— The situation here is somewhat more complicated: the idea that a child enters a family already as a stepson and is important for a father. This is the question of the ability of parents to make joint decisions, since the transition of a child from the mother’s family to the father’s family is always a crisis. And for the child himself, and for relationships within the family. And this crisis can be quite deep — according to Igor Lyakh, it may take a long time for the family to overcome this stage.
The psychotherapist emphasizes: in those families where the adoption of children from first marriages takes place precisely on the rights of people who not only consume the resource, but can create and create, be valuable family members, adaptation is faster and easier.
“If such a situation is possible, then a fairly quick and healthy assimilation occurs, the child understands the rules, is easy to master, and there are more people of his own,” he concludes.
