Two Novosibirsk residents argue with their ex-wife (the woman was married several times, a child appeared in each marriage) for the right to fully communicate with children. Alexey Ovsyannikov complains that he has not seen his 4-year-old son Serezha for months, and Alexey Fomenko worries that his 7-year-old Vika does not receive proper medical care and good nutrition.
Men say that the mother of children, Valentina Ovsyannikova, is not at all involved in raising them. The woman does not agree with the claim and, in turn, accuses men of commercialism and revenge for leaving them.
Against the background of constant family conflicts, little Seryozha almost completely stopped talking — now the child only hums, and Vika’s behavior and mood have changed — she became irritable. NGS correspondent Alexandra Brunya listened to the adults and found out on whose side the law was.
The first story: «I was ready to pay her child support, but for the child to live with me»
In 2016, Alexey Ovsyannikov met his future wife Valentina. The woman already had two children: a teenager Maxim from her first marriage and little Vika, who appeared in an unregistered marriage with Alexei Fomenko.
— She complained to me in 2016 that Vicki’s father is allegedly abusing the child. I had no children, I wanted my own child, — recalls the beginning of relations with Valentina Aleksey Ovsyannikov.
The newlyweds took out a mortgage on the house. Soon, in 2017, Valentina gave birth to Seryozha. With the birth of a baby, conflicts began in the family.
— We had scandals that she, like a dog on a chain, is locked up. She needs to go out with the girls, and she sits with the child. I wanted to hang out, walk. As a result, she threw the child at me, left it is not clear where. Seryozha was not yet a year old. Once I was driving with a friend from work, it was raining. She ran out into the street to get some laundry. Returns — holding on to the shoulder. I called an ambulance, it turned out that she had a fracture. Later she presented this situation to the media that I was a tyrant, she was beaten.
In 2019, Alexey and Valentina divorced.
— She filed a lawsuit to determine the child’s place of residence. He lived with her and with me. On October 19, 2019, she gave me Seryozha. I was horrified. He was like a mowgli. Thin, bruised eyes. I took the child to the hospital, the doctor explained that he had bad blood tests. Registered with a hematologist. She never came. Not a single doctor. Then a pandemic began. I was told that the child must be handed over in the presence of bailiffs and guardianship authorities.
According to Alexei, the ex-wife did not seek to take Seryozha for herself, although she knew about his condition.
In September last year, the man brought his son to kindergarten, on the same day Valentina, along with the bailiffs, took Seryozha. Since then, Alexei claims, he was not allowed to see the boy — his ex-wife, according to him, demanded that he give up 300 thousand rubles, which she owes him in court (the writ of execution is at the disposal of the editorial office).
— She wrote to me: «Take all the applications, write a receipt that you gave all the money, and you will see the child.» I was ready to pay alimony to her, but for the child to live with me. But in the end, she sued to restrict my rights. He declares that I hit him on the head and on the buttocks — this was not the case! — Alexey is indignant. “She can leave them alone at home. Vika says they eat candy and chocolates. Children look terrible.
The woman lost in court, but while the proceedings were going on, Alexey could not file a lawsuit to determine the procedure for communicating with the child.
— And then Alexey Fomenko, Vika’s father, came to me. It turns out that they are still butting and suing. She persuades the children that dad is bad. The girl said that her mother feeds them with sweets and sandwiches, says Ovsyannikov. — He also says that I am a drug addict and my head is not all right. I was stripped of my driver’s license for the residual effects of alcohol, not drugs. Therefore, I was taken for preventive observation. In 2018, I went to get a weapon permit and passed the medical examination completely. I am not registered anywhere (Alexey provided all the information to the editor. — Ed. Note ).
The man says that he is ready to give up any financial claims — if only his son lived with him. Or at least for the first time, a normal communication schedule was established with him.
Second story: «Constantly nervous breakdowns, seizures, screams»
Alexey Fomenko is the father of 7-year-old Vika. The man says that he has the same problem with his ex-lover as the other Alexei. They were not officially married to Valentina, but they lived together for several years.
— Now everything is chaotic with us. I can pick up the child only when Valentina wants to. I was able to give gifts for the New Year to the child only at the beginning of February. We have a defined order of communication. I have to pick Vika in the morning and bring her in the evening twice a month on Saturday and Sunday. She must live with her mother. And now Valentina has left for Ordynka. The guardianship authorities insisted that the child studies, and it was the weekend that was divided. There is no observance of this order, since I do not know exactly where she moved to Ordynka, — says Aleksey Fomenko.
The man lists other claims to the child’s mother: he cannot get her to return Vika to her favorite karate section and deal with dental problems.
— Vicki has a wrong bite, she needs to do her teeth, to which the mother replies: «Yes, I’ll write it down.» But it’s been three months now. I pay alimony, but this is a huge challenge. She changed three cards in a year. They blocked them from her. She owes a mortgage, plus there are other debts. Now I pay in cash and only on receipt. Because of this, payments are chaotic. It is impossible to come to an agreement a day or two before the meeting.
Alexey Fomenko says about the reasons for the breakup: “Constant aggression, jealousy, always dissatisfied, and something always did not suit her. I need to work, but there are always some problems. Then at 11 pm he will go for a drive somewhere. That is constantly nervous breakdowns, seizures, screams. Everything is very similar, as with Alexei Ovsyannikov. I thought it seemed to me, but it turned out that this is the standard behavior. »
Alexey does not intend to insist that Vika live with him, but he wants the law to be fulfilled, and the mother to take better care of the children. The girl, according to him, is now in a stressful situation and complains of irritation and anger that she has developed.
Mother’s version: «I am not doing anything to harm them.»
Valentina Ovsyannikova has a completely different view of the situation. She believes that she is fulfilling all the duties of a mother, and her former lovers just want to annoy her. The woman says that the main problem she has now is in communication with Alexei Ovsyannikov, Seryozha’s dad.
— On October 19, 2019, he took a two-year-old child for the weekend, and I returned him only with the bailiffs a year later. He hid it, hid it. We then turned to the media, so he also wants to make an answer. I only found out in court that he was registered as a drug addict. I’m just afraid to just give up the child with my own hands without a court decision on the procedure for communication. The second point: he does not ask him too much. Maybe he wrote it three times. Exposes me some conditions. I made him an offer to meet with the child in the presence of the guardianship officials, because I am afraid. I don’t know how the child will react to it. Because when I took my son, and he heard the word “dad,” he started crying, saying “No,” showing that he was beating him, ”says Valentina Ovsyannikova.
The woman believes that her ex-husbands have only one interest — money.
— Everyone is trying to collect money from me. They never called and asked how the children are in health, how they feel, how they are in their mood, whether they need something. There were only reproaches and threats. Let Ovsyannikov go to court to determine the order of communication. I take care of Seryozha’s health. He had a rollback for a year and a half. He just hums now. Serezha and I never parted for a second, at the most, we left them with my grandmother for two hours. And then he just tore him away from his mother. For my part, I tried to meet halfway. To this day, I offer an alternative. They all know where we live. They don’t really need children.
Valentina Ovsyannikova says that she is now working remotely, so there is enough time for children.
— Fomenko was generally interested in the child insofar as. My grandmother mostly had a child. We communicated normally, he had no complaints against me. And then when Serezhin’s dad realized that he was losing the courts, he said: «Yes, I will set him (Vika’s dad) against you.»
Valentina said that Alexey Ovsyannikov raised his hand to her.
— I have a broken nose and collarbone, I went to the police. But there they made formal replies (Alexey provided the editorial office with a certificate from the Ministry of Internal Affairs that he was not prosecuted for the statements of his wife. — Ed. ). I was so devastated, I did not have a child by my side, and plus these numerous trials … I could not go to work normally, because I had 2-3 trials a week. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I just had no time to study. I’m already tired of it and don’t do anything to harm them. And they really can call in an amicable way even without this shitty voice, pretensions, presenting to say: «Come on, Val, that’s enough, and we will settle this issue.»
Valentina did not provide a single document confirming her words. She stated that she did not want to understand this situation and discuss it anymore.
Whose side is the law on? Explains the lawyer
The situation that has developed among men with their ex-spouses is quite rare — two fathers at once complain about the prohibitions in communicating with children. Usually the conflict can be resolved by an amicable agreement. According to the lawyer Elena Denisova, the court decision on the communication procedure will not help in such a situation.
— Today the order is the same, but tomorrow the child’s lifestyle has changed. He began to study circles, study on another shift, something with health — this requires a change in the order of communication. And go to court again? It can be changed indefinitely. I believe that both parents are always to blame for such conflicts, who cannot come to an agreement, because not a single court, not a single lawyer can resolve this situation if the parties themselves do not make some concessions and take into account the interests of the child. Of course, both parents, even if they separated, have equal rights towards the child, regardless of who the child lives with. The child has the right to communicate with both parents equally, the lawyer explains.
Elena Denisova draws attention to the fact that now the main thing is to figure out why Seryozha stopped talking.
— The child no longer speaks. We need to figure out why this happened. And the parents, it turns out, slander each other. Here it is necessary to understand the specialists, and urgently. Parents will not be deprived of their rights for this, but there are other measures of influence — administrative ones, — the expert explains. — Deprivation of parental rights is an extreme measure. There may be some restrictions on rights. You should always persuade people to agree to an amicable agreement on such disputes. Mom has no right to manipulate children — it is illegal from all sides. If mom allows this, then dad has no choice but to apply to the guardianship authorities and the court for a change in the order of communication. If you go to court, then this is a conflict that rarely ends with both parents honestly executing such decisions.
Such situations, according to the lawyer, occur frequently:
— And this is not always dictated by the behavior of mothers. Very often, dads sin by the fact that, taking the child, they begin to set them up against the mother. Children are children. In such families, they begin to cheat, because everyone bribes them. In such cases, it is better for lawyers or attorneys to understand the situation, representatives — they have cold heads and there are no emotions that rage between the ex-husband and wife. It is easier for representatives to come to an agreement and adequately assess the situation.
Social activist Anna Tazheeva, who deals with the problems of relations between parents and children, also advises trying to negotiate through representatives.
— According to Articles 56, 61, 63, 64 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation, parents have equal rights and bear equal responsibilities in relation to their children. I am very sorry that not all parents understand this, thereby selfishly thinking about their advantageous position. They do not separate their relationship from the parent-child relationship. Children love both parents from the start. But the selfish parent, at the cost of his own benefit and revenge, traumatizes the child so much from childhood that he subsequently cannot build full-fledged relationships with the opposite sex in adulthood. And it carries with it the psychological burden that the egoist parent «rewarded» him with, shifting it to the «other half» or to his children. Everything does not pass without a trace, — says Anna Tazheeva. — A happy child is the work of both parents.
Several hundred cases per year
In 2020, in the Novosibirsk region, bailiffs had 189 proceedings on the determination of the procedure for communicating with a child (in 2019 — 211). Of these, 164 (86.8%) in relation to debtors-women and 25 in relation to debtors-men.
— Most often, fathers apply, the rest of the percentage are grandparents and, with rare exceptions, mothers. But usually people come to an agreement without the help of bailiffs, or the other party is not very interested in communicating with the child. There are parents who, upon receipt of a writ of execution, understand the level of responsibility, and that for failure to comply, they face sanctions, restrictions on leaving the country, on driving. And they begin to execute the decision even without bailiffs, — says Daria Smolyanova, head of the department for organizing enforcement proceedings of the Federal Bailiff Service for the Novosibirsk Region.
The bailiffs now have production facilities that have been with them for more than two years.
— They let the second parent communicate, then no. If we see that the parent does not interfere with communication and it is carried out according to the schedule, then such production ends in actual execution. But this does not mean that it cannot be renewed. This is a category of very difficult cases. Many emotional moments are touched upon. It happens that psychologists conclude that the child is not ready to communicate with the second parent, or with grandparents, and it is not recommended. The bailiff cannot go beyond the court decision. Nobody will undress the child, watch the beatings and so on. This is already the competence of the guardianship authorities.
According to the specialist, they almost always willingly open the door with their second parent, but in half of the cases, the child himself refuses to go out, starts crying, and runs away.
— We often see the reaction of a child who is not ready to go to a second parent. For what reason is another question. But in this case, we involve a psychologist and guardianship authorities. In essence, the problem is not to open the door. There is a problem that the child is in tears and does not go to the second parent. The bailiff will never forcibly take this child and forcibly transfer it to the second parent in such a state in order to ensure the execution of the court decision, despite his emotional state. In this case, the bailiff must involve a specialist, there will be an official conclusion and work with the parents.
The bailiffs have several ways of influencing those who violate the order of communication — the appointment of a performance fee, drawing up a protocol on administrative violation, restricting the right to leave and drive vehicles.
— First of all, the interest of the child and his condition are pursued. The bailiff records only the transfer of the child. If the court has not established that communication should take place in the presence of the bailiff, then he will not be present at the meeting. As a rule, the second parent has the right to personally communicate with the child, to spend holidays with him, and so on. Court decisions, where it is established that communication should be in the presence of the mother, are irregular. This is an extreme measure. But we had a case that the parents separated before the birth of the child. At the age of three, my father turned and filed a lawsuit. Obviously, a child who has never seen his father alone will probably not stay with him. And by a court decision, the meetings were held in the presence of the mother, and no one interfered with anything.
How the psyche of children is traumatized
Clinical psychologist Dmitry Klochkov says that what happens between adults causes serious trauma to children.
— Such fights between parents usually lead to what we observe, — the child fell silent. That is, it is a very traumatic experience for him. And it can lead to various neuroses, psychosomatic manifestations. A child can often get sick because of this, he can develop nervous tics, disturbances in the emotional sphere, whatever. Unfortunately, now this is a fairly common phenomenon, when children become a bargaining chip during a divorce, the specialist explains. — Children become either an object of bargaining, or a means of revenge, harm the ex-spouse, punish him at the expense of the children.
Divorce, the expert is sure, should remain a matter for adults.
— In no case should children be involved in this, persuaded, set up, no matter how bad the second parent is in the opinion of the other. For a child, it’s all the same dad or mom. And this is such a parental object that is present in our psyche all our life, even if physically they are not with us. Unconsciously, we understand that we are an extension of our parents. And one of the parents, by setting up the child directly or indirectly against the other parent, makes only the child worse, — explains the clinical psychologist. — The child still identifies with this parent and feels this «bad part» in himself.
In such scandals, children often feel guilty, which also will not lead to anything good.
— Children tend to have egocentric thinking. It seems to them that the whole world revolves around them, and everything that happens is because of them. And even with a favorable divorce, children often feel guilty. The child must understand that this is an adult relationship, and mom will remain a mom, and dad — dad, who will also love him. There is a lot of aggression in this story. Of course, the child perceives all this. What Vika says about rage and anger is understandable, such feelings can arise. There is a rational part of the psyche, and there is an unconscious part, and from there this anger can awaken. This is a very traumatic situation for both children. Now professionals should work with them, — the specialist advises.
